Emotions are Genderless
Relationship with Each Other
As individuals, you and your partner may find that your thoughts and reactions during bereavement are often different each other. It can be hard to maintain effective communication in your relationship while you are experiencing such intense feelings of grief and sadness. This is particularly so when one of you seem to be “getting on with life” and the other is continuing to be overwhelmed by the grief. It can seem that one has forgotten and doesn’t care about the loss, or that the other is not coping. “G returned to work. He was resilient. After I while I saw him as not grieving as I didn’t understand that he was grieving differently. I thought he lacked compassion and didn’t love our son. How could he keep going? How could he function and ignore ‘the elephant in the room?’” Everyone grieves differently, even couples who have known each other for years. For some couples, the death of a child brings with it an increased intimacy, as you cling to each other for survival. For others, this can be a period of instability and distress in your relationship, with needs being mismatched
Virtually all couples find that they grieve differently. What is important is to learn to respect each other’s different ways and timetables of grieving, and to allow each other space and time to grieve in the way he or she needs
Mutual protectiveness arises for couples when one thinks that telling a partner how bad they feel may only make the other feel worse. They want to protect their partner from the additional hurt of seeing them in such pain, not realizing that this only serves to isolate them further from each other. Stroebe identified POSR, partner- oriented self-regulation behaviors where partners avoid talking about the loss and try to remain strong in each other’s presence. “These results are paradoxical: Although parents try to protect their partners through POSR, this effort has the opposite of the desired outcome. Results showed that it does not increase only the partner’s grief but also one’s own grief” (2013) Eventually this pain will simply surface in other ways. Couples may be good at reading each other but often the interpretation of a behavior can be different than the intention. Spouses often assume their partners can read their minds and then become angry or resentful when their needs are not met.
One parent may find great comfort in talking about the child while the other may find it too painful to even mention the child’s name. Some parents want to change everything in the child’s room while others do not want to disturb a thing. One parent may want to put all pictures, mementos, and reminders away, while the other parent may prefer to make a shrine of pictures and of the child’s room and belongings.
Socializing after the death can be looked at differently between spouses as well. Sometimes one partner will find strength and comfort in being in the presence of others; whereas the other spouse avoids social gatherings and feels it is a betrayal to feel joy again.
There may also be changes in a couple’s intimacy and their sexual relationship; one partner seeking comfort and intimacy while the other cannot imagine finding pleasure in each other at a time like this. Sex has particular implications when it was a perinatal or infant death, and sex is associated with the pregnancy and the death of the baby. One partner may want to try to get pregnant again, while the other may be still too fearful of another pregnancy or feel this betrays the memory of the baby that just died.
The death may cause differing views of spirituality and religious beliefs, even between parents of the same faith. One partner may turn away from religion or feel angry or betrayed by God, while the other may find comfort in their faith. Regardless of spiritual background, most parents at some point will evaluate their faith and beliefs.
Why would they say that? Addressing ‘Will the parents get a divorce?’ and other myths about how men and women grieve.
One of the greatest myths is that bereaved parents will always get a divorce. While statistics may differ, the most researchers recently noted that when preexisting marital problems were factored out, bereaved parents had a lower rate of divorce than the general population. The death of a child will most certainly complicate and amplify the prior dynamics of the marriage and exacerbate any marital challenges they may have had before, but many bereaved parents also state that the death made their relationship stronger
The paradox is in the definition of the shared journey. While spouses may be in the best position to support each other, they are also simultaneously in the worst position. When each is experiencing such a great level of pain, it is almost impossible to comfort each other, and as a result, marriages may suffer. Couples grieve both separately and together. The greatest challenge arises when partners have different styles of grieving and are limited in their ability to communicate with each other, especially regarding decisions about the child’s possessions, how to memorialize and remember the child, or what to do on the child’s birthday or anniversary.
Men and Women:
A big challenge to any marriage is the prescribed roles to men and women in how they should grieve and cultural expectations about men and women. Gender stereotypes limit the support given to men and limit the opportunities for men to express themselves. Emotions are genderless. American culture encourages men to be strong, independent, and powerful. Most men quickly resume the role to protect and provide and are resistant to support. They may quickly return to work out of financial responsibility but also as a relief and refuge from the stress and the emotions at home. Work can give a sense of routine, and a sense of control when they feel utterly powerless in making it better for their wife or their surviving children. Many men find themselves working more hours to avoid their home, or their own pain. Other fathers may be hesitant to go back to work, wondering how their co-workers are going to respond to them or out of fear of leaving the mother or children at home. Many fathers report reevaluating their work-life balance, preferring to spend more time with their families than before the death.
Rather than defining parents by gender roles, it can be more helpful to identify each parent’s coping style.
A parent’s culture, individual temperament, age, life experience, and gender will impact how grief is expressed. A model defined by Martin and Doka (1991) categorizes individuals as either intuitive grievers or instrumental grievers based on how they express their grief and what they need to help them in their grief. Most people are described as a blending of the two, with the categories existing on a continuum.
Openly express feelings and are more verbal, seeking support and finding comfort from others. They express more sorrow and depression, and have a tendency to become physically exhausted, anxious, or experience other somatic symptoms.
Instrumental Grievers:
Adapt to the loss through thinking and doing, intellectualizing their emotions, and utilizing action-oriented approaches to their problems. They typically find physical ways to express their grief, seeking out information, private and independent, while often focusing on the future.
Lastly, dangers in a relationship can occur when family members are out of sync with each other. Peppers and Knapp (1980) described this as Incongruent Grieving, a contrast between what is expected and what is observed. Large differences between the intent of a spouses’ behavior and the interpretation of that behavior by the other, can result in a contrast between unspoken expectations and observations. Not only is incongruent grief a challenge between spouses, but within the family system as well. Grandparents, children, friends, and other family members are all grieving the same death, but there will be individual differences in what they need and how they express themselves. There will be different needs and expectations as well. Families need to promote open communication, encouraging each other to ask for what they need rather than assuming others can read their mind. The resentment comes when they expect something from others, but fail to verbalize their needs. It is also important that each member identifies a support system independent of family members, rather than wholly relying on each other to provide for their emotional needs. Spouses need to be patient and gentle with each other, understanding there will be differences in what each may need as they try to come to terms with their loss.