Funeral Planning & Support

Arranging a child’s funeral is a job for which no parent can be prepared. There is nothing that can be said or done to prepare a parent for planning their child’s funeral, but there are choices a parent can make that may help now and later.  And while you might feel overwhelmed and alone, know that others are here to help. We hope to offer you some guidance from the wisdom and experience of professionals and parents who have walked a similar path.  While everyone’s story is different, the decision-making pathways may be similar.   

You can continue to show your love and continue to parent your child as you begin to plan their funeral or memorial service.   

We offer you a guidebook, When a Child Dies: Acts of Love & Legacy, from our partners at Funeral Service Foundation to help generate ideas and conversation. We hope that this resource can support you as you say goodbye to your child in a way that is special, comforting, and meaningful.   

We offer some guidance from other parents and caregivers; you will find the pathway that is right for you, your family and your child. 

Planning a Funeral or Memorial Service

Usually within 24-48 hours, you will need to select a funeral home and meet with them to begin making arrangements for a burial or cremation. Family, friends, staff, or clergy may be able to assist in identifying a funeral home. Location, culture, faith, and finances may be important considerations when selecting a funeral home. 

• Faith and tradition often assist in structuring the services. Remember there is no “one way” to do things. The funeral director and/or clergy can help you personalize and adapt the service to meet your needs. 

• Even if your child died as a very young infant, the service can be a time to share the hopes and dreams you had for your child. 

• The funeral home will request that you bring the clothes you wish to have your child buried or cremated in. You may also request to dress your child yourself. You may want to bring with you perfume or lotion that you or your child liked. You may also be able to request to hold your child at the funeral home. 

• You may choose special music, poetry, or readings that remind you of your child. If there are siblings, they may want to assist in planning the service. 

• A collage of pictures or individual photos could be displayed. If your child had a special interest, school projects, or artwork they created, they could also be displayed. 

• Family and friends can be encouraged to share memories or thoughts. A book or journal may be available for others to share stories of your pregnancy or of your child. 

• You may choose special objects to be placed with your child in the casket. A special toy, picture, letter, blanket, religious articles…whatever symbolizes you, your family, and your child. 

• Balloons could be released either after the service or at the burial site. People could be given the opportunity to tie on a special message or memory. 

• Flowers from the service could be donated to a nursing home, church or hospital, or could be dried as a memento and used in wreathes, potpourri, bouquets, or scrapbooks. 

• Many people choose to write their own obituary for their local newspaper. 

• In lieu of flowers, donations could be requested to a favorite charity or foundation. 

Including Children in Funerals

Families often wonder if children should attend funerals. Even very young children can benefit from attending a funeral, as it gives them an opportunity to express their grief and to share their loss with others.  It is also an opportunity to acknowledge the finality of death and to remember the person who has died. 

• If your child is old enough, give them the choice to make an informed decision about whether they want to attend or participate. 

• If your child chooses to attend, prepare them by describing what they should expect, and give as many specifics as the child seems interested in hearing. It can be helpful to explain what they might see, hear, and feel at the service, memorial or burial. 

• If the body will be viewed, let the child know in advance, and explain what the casket and body will look like. It is okay for the child to look at or touch the body if they would like; listen to what they have to say about the experience. 

• If the body is to be cremated, explain what cremation means and what the plans are for the ashes. Be sure the child understands that this will not hurt. Because the person is dead, their body cannot feel anything. (Link to this PDF on explaining cremation to children: Talking-to-Children-About-Cremation.pdf 

• Lean into your family and friends to help be available for the child. They may need breaks, want to play or have questions; having someone else you trust be available for your child means that you can attend to your needs and can give you time to grieve. 

• Prepare your child that they will see people expressing a wide variety of emotions. They will see tears and laughter; explain that many people may be crying, and it is okay if they want to cry too. 

• Include your child, if they wish, in planning and participating in the funeral or service. Children might like to choose something to have buried or cremated with the body, or choose music, flowers or other rituals for the ceremony. Follow your child’s lead in deciding what they are comfortable with and how they want to participate. 

• If your child chooses not to attend or participate, talk to them about why they are making this decision. They may have misunderstandings, need more information or want to change their mind. Your child may also simply not want to go, and that is okay as well. Remember that there is more than one way to say goodbye, and that children can have other opportunities to do so. 

• Finally, remember that children are children first. It is normal for children to express grief in small doses and they may have moments of wanting to play and have fun.