Rituals and Memory Making: Creating Meaningful Moments for Siblings & Families

Rituals and memory making exercises allow for a shared experience between parents and siblings.  Specific memory making activities can be designed to help siblings tell their story, facilitate family discussions, provide opportunities to express how they feel, and document their relationship with the baby.  Family wishes, developmental needs of the siblings, and cultural and individual differences must be considered when discussing memory making opportunities.  The baby has meaning to them, to their family, and to their future.  Even when the baby has died, he or she is not gone from their lives.  Families should be encouraged to explore ways to recognize and acknowledge the life of the baby. 

Hand Prints- Place an ink hand print of each family member together on the same paper to create something that all family members participated in. Use bordered paper or simple decorative scrapbook paper.  The handprint can also be photocopied to allow multiple family members to have a copy.  The family may also want to laminate it for protection.

Hand Molds- The siblings can participate in the mixing of the gel and plaster for imprints of the baby’s hands or feet.  Multiple packages can also be used to make a larger plaster mold with the siblings and the baby together in one mold.

Locks of hair- This is an important souvenir in many families’ baby books.  Have a special place to put this lock of hair such as a small, plastic container, organza bag or special envelope.

Rings- Place small rings on the baby and then pass them on to siblings and other family members to take home and wear or place in a memory box.  Many families place these tiny rings on chains and wear them on a regular basis to feel close to the baby.  A picture of the baby with the ring may also reinforce this specialness of the ring.

Bathing/Dressing- Offer parents, siblings and family members the chance to participate in bathing or dressing the baby.  Encourage the family to allow the siblings to help choose an outfit to dress them in.

Sweet smelling baby lotion- Using a strong smelling baby lotion increases the sensory experience and allows families to create even stronger memories to reflect upon. They will be able to correlate this scent to memories of the baby.

Photography- Offer families an opportunity to take pictures with their own camera, your institution’s camera, or by a bereavement photographer.  Most of these babies have not had the opportunity to be photographed and it can be incredibly meaningful for family members to have pictures taken together with the baby.  Or offer to take pictures of the hands or feet wrapped in a favorite blanket.  Encourage documentation of the siblings/parents caring for the baby as well as significant events (baptism, family visits).  Black and White film is recommended.

Picture Book or Video Documenting end of life or hospital room for kids that did not have the opportunity to visit-Many parents choose to protect their children from the experience of the hospital.  When this happens, there are still opportunities to create a connection between siblings who may never have had the chance to meet the baby.  Create a storybook or video together with nursing staff and parents that tells the story of the baby’s life to the sibs at home.  Take pictures of the room, the staff that cared for her, or presents from the sibs near the baby’s bed.

Music- Inquire about how music is part of their family culture.  Playing music can help to create a calming, child centered atmosphere within a sterile environment.  It can also give the parents and siblings an important role in choosing the music for their baby and create a “special song” for them that can help the family remember the baby later on.

Song/poem writing- Some people may feel more comfortable expressing themselves through the arts.  A music therapist or another staff member may be helpful in finding ways for families to connect and express all of their intense emotions through playing instruments or song writing.

Video or Audio Tape- Record the siblings reading a story, singing a song, telling family stories that they would want the baby to know and play back to the baby.  Keep the tape for future listening and as again as evidence of the different ways the siblings “cared” for the baby.

Phone calls from sibs- When siblings are not able to be present; a phone call from the sibling to the baby allows them to still have the opportunity to tell the baby that they loved him. Take a picture or video of the phone by the baby as an opportunity to affirm the sibling’s communication and love expressed later on.

Memory Boxes for sibs- Help siblings to identify a special place to keep their memories (pictures, locks of hair, hospital ID tags, special toys, blankets, baby’s clothes) that they can easily go to when they need to feel close to the baby.  Premade boxes can be purchased or small cardboard or plastic boxes can be decorated by the siblings.

Memory Books- Help siblings to feel that they have an important role in documenting this experience.  Give them a disposable camera, a blank story book, and art supplies.  Magazines or other objects can be available to make collages or scrapbooks. They will be able to create their own book to reflect on later through pictures and drawings. 

Journaling or Letters to the baby/Drawings- Encourage family members, especially siblings, to write letters or draw pictures about how they feel or what they wish they could tell the baby.  These can be placed with the baby before burial or cremation or kept in a special place at home for later reflection.

Worry stones- May be helpful for teen siblings and adults.  A worry stone allows the bereaved person to carry something small and inconspicuous in their pocket or bag and allow them to privately remember the baby while not feeling different from their peers.  They can touch it when they are feeling sad and feel soothed by the smooth stone and closer to the baby.

Created in collaboration with Rebecca Meyers, Child Life, Ann & Robert H. Lurie Children’s Hospital

Kristin James & Associates

grief counseling and support for families and children

familiescopingwithloss@gmail.com   847-323-8115