Unique Features of Sibling Loss
Surviving children not only lost a sibling… but they have also lost the mother and father they once knew. Everything is different now.
Siblings will often postpone their grief until they feel “safe” again, emotionally and physically. They need to know the adults in their life are ok and able to take care of them. Children often need to deal with the chaos outside before they can deal with the chaos inside. A level of stability and routine needs to return. They will carefully watch their parents, intuitively knowing when they are “ok enough” for them to grieve. They often will limit their questions and limit the express of their feelings in front of their parents. Siblings also seem to take turns, instinctively knowing how much a family can tolerate. Often one child will be struggling and then just as that child starts to feel better, another child will start to openly express their grief.
Common Themes in Sibling Grief:
Surviving siblings may feel abandoned as often the grieving parents have limited emotional energy to care for them.
Siblings may feel unloved as they experience family and friends putting the deceased child on a pedestal and the tendency for others to idealize the deceased sibling; It is difficult to compete with a memory and often children feel as if they can never be good enough.
Siblings may feel incredible guilt, remembering every bout of sibling rivalry, unkind word, and every slammed door. There may also be a sense of “survivors’ guilt”. Why him and not me? What could I have done to prevent this?” “my parents would have been happier if it was me” Loss of the sibling relationship and companionship: There is a special bond between siblings. Siblings report the losing their best friend, their confidante, role model and their playmate. Who else shares many of the same memories? Who else understands the quirkiness of their own family better than a sister or brother? Many siblings as report missing their deceased sibling’s friends as well. Even subsequent child who are born after the death will experience the loss of what should be and could have been They also yearn for and grieve the relationship with the sibling who died.
Loss of a shared family history and rituals and traditions- there is are shared common memories, along with critical childhood experiences and family history. Holidays will be different. Family trips will be different. Saturday morning routines may be different. Where they sit at the table for dinner will be different. Children often find great comfort in routine but when a sibling dies, all that was known, may change. Siblings often comment, “we use to…”. The absence of a sibling may even be greater during a special occasion. Parents are encouraged to talk with the children about what rituals they may want to maintain, what rituals are ok to change, and if there are new traditions they would like to introduce. Many families find it helpful to incorporate new traditions that honor the memory of the child who died. Several suggestions are listed under the Remembrance
When a sibling dies, a child’s own mortality is challenged, as he/she is no longer feeling invincible and fear their own death. There may be a heightened anxiety and worry about getting sick. This often intensifies as they approach the age of when their sibling was diagnosed or died
Fear reaching the age of the child can be difficult for both parents and siblings. Unconsciously and sometimes consciously, the sibling may believe they will also die at that age. There is also anxiety and sometimes guilt about reaching milestones that the deceased child never was able to. Many siblings report both an increase in their anger and sadness as suddenly they are doing things first that their older brother/sister was supposed to be doing and that their sibling is no longer there to guide them. Many parents also find it challenging as they may experience more flashbacks as the sibling approaches the age that the child was sick and died. They also may experience the same anger that the deceased child never was able to experience these milestones or grow older.
New roles and responsibilities for surviving siblings as the family structure shifts. it is important to understand the relationship to the deceased child. Who was this child to the family? The oldest? The youngest? The only boy? Or girl? What is the birth order in the family and how does this affect the roles that each child assumes? But also, emotionally, who was this child within the family? The caretaker? The joker? Or troublemaker? Peacemaker? And how does the death disrupt the stability within the family. For example, was it the deceased child’s job to walk the dog or take out the garbage? Who will do those jobs now? Each a reminder that the child has dead.
Over-identifying with the deceased sibling: children may start to take on the special traits of the child who died, in hopes of filling this hole in the family and wanting to make their parents happy but often at the expense of their own needs and interest
The siblings may seek conscious ways to self-destruct (i.e., running away; drugs and alcohol; taking on the characteristics of the deceased sibling, thus losing their own image).
Parentification: There may be a sense of responsibility to take care of grieving parents and other surviving siblings. Children may attempt to grow up too quickly to accommodate the gaps of care within their family. Adults need to monitor the appropriateness of roles/responsibilities in balancing the risk of losing their own childhood
Only child- A child may suddenly find themselves an only child, the loss of a companion and confident becomes even more amplified as the sibling suddenly finds themselves alone with the parents. Many siblings talk about a new silence at home, with no build-in playmate, and a challenge in being the new center of attention for their parents.
Replacement child- Another difficult decision for families is whether to have more children. Some parents have the illusion that this new baby will make them happy again and can put on to this child the burden of their happiness and again placing the sibling in the position of competing with the memory of the deceased child.
Subsequent children- It is perfectly natural and normal to want to have more children, but parents should evaluate their readiness and anticipate that the pregnancy and new baby may reawaken strong emotions. Subsequent children born after a child has died also express the challenge of being born into a grieving family and will grieve the loss of a relationship with the deceased child that they never had a chance to meet. Families seem to vary greatly in the degree they are able to maintain the presence of the deceased child and how subsequent children incorporate the story of their sibling into their own lives.