Secondary Loss

Secondary loss works like a ripple effect.

Often unrecognized or minimized are the secondary losses.  Many parents report a loss of identity after the death of their child.  After years of caregiving, there can be a question of who am I now?  What do I have to offer others?  Many parents also report feeling the loss of the medical team. After years and years of appointments, hospitalizations, the medical team is often described as “part of the family”.  But now there are no more appointments.  No more visits to the hospital.  Support system may also change.  Some friends and family may have been able to step in during the crisis but can not tolerate the ongoing pain or bear witness to the parent’s grief.  Relationships change.   “It is sad and frustrating, but very true that our address book changes.  Some people feel as if our loss is contagious.  Or maybe they feel that we aren’t progressing fast enough or that we are maudlin and not upbeat enough.  We often feel abandoned by those we felt should have been there to count on, creating a new grief of the loss of those relationships.” Lynn Follett, Stepping Stones Bereavement Services.  Many parents also talk about the loss of the child’s peer group and missing the energy that the friends brought to the home.  Or the challenge of watching the first day of school as the friends continue to grow up and reach other milestones.  

When your child leaves this life before you do, it changes everything.

Not only things you might expect, but many you’d never imagine.

It’s a constant balancing act, readjusting every day to new challenges.

Struggling to keep my head above the waves.

thelifeididntchoose.com/2019/02/01/child-loss-and-secondary-losses/

“Secondary” means that these losses come as a result of the death, not that they are any less impactful or less difficult. They can unfold over time or become apparent in the immediate aftermath of the death. Secondary losses are a normal part of grief, and identifying and acknowledging them can often be the first step in grieving them.

speakinggrief.org/get-better-at-grief/understanding-grief/secondary-losses