The Inevitable Question: How many children do you have?

Before the death, it seemed like such a simple question and part of casual conversation but now it generates a flood of emotions and no easy answer. Every bereaved parent struggles with the question “how many children do you have?” Many parents report almost losing their breath the first few times this question comes up. But with time, they become practiced at responding to the question. Most will say their answers change depending upon their mood that day, the situation and/or their desire to protect others from the answer. Many parents also report a pang of guilt when they don’t include the deceased child as if they are betraying them and yet, on any given day they may not feel like sharing this painful information with others. Or be in the mood to cope with the emotional response it generates and the questions that may follow. Many parents will personalize their answer to reflect their belief system and negotiate the balance between including the child and minimizing the emotional turmoil the question may create. Parents are also encouraged to rehearse with siblings the powerful question about how many brothers/sisters they have and practice different ways of responding this seemingly innocent question.